Though it feels as though time is dragging it’s feet, I know that it is doing business as usual. It’s December and I’ll home in a little over four months. While that may seem like a short period of time for some people, to me it seems like an eternity. I was looking at my daughters picture the other day and realized that I’ve lost some of my memories of her. In the picture, she was holding her uncle’s hand. I tried to remember what it felt like to have her tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine, and I couldn’t. I had trouble recalling how my face rested on her head when she nestled her face into my chest. I forgot the relaxed feeling that I got when she fell asleep in my arms. I even forgot her smell.
I truly believe that my daily late night video chats with my daughter are the only things that have gotten me through these past eight months. The most interesting part of my situation is that, while I’m here with hundreds of parents, I haven’t spoken to any other parent that feels quite the way that I do.
I’ve spoken to a parent that volunteered to deploy in order to leave their very young children because they it was the best time for their career. I spoke to one person who volunteered because having young kids was becoming too much for them to handle and they wanted to get away, leaving their spouse to handle the chaos alone. I’ve spoken to one parent who came involuntarily, but they were happy to leave because they hate their child. Every situation is different and I don’t judge any of them for the decisions that they have made. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only person that feels this way.
To help me through the more difficult times, I go back and watch videos of her. I have so many of them. They are a way of letting me see her when I can’t actually see her, it almost feels like we’re together.
I recorded myself reading Ellie books and then sent the books to her. It was supposed to be a way for her to see me whenever she wanted to. My cousin said that it confused her because she would respond to me on the videos as she watched them. He stopped showing them to her. She always did that though, even before I left. When she watches videos of people that she knows, she always talks back to them. She knows that they are recordings as long as she is the one that presses play, but I can’t force him to show them to her. Now if she misses me, she just has to wait until she is home and can ask to call me.
Like said before, four months feels short to some, but like an eternity me.
