Dear Ellie,
Today was a tough day. Nanna called me as soon as you woke up this morning. We spoke for about thirty minutes, but when it was time for me to get off of the phone in order to drive to work, you cried. Then, for the first time, when I asked you if you wanted to hang up the phone, you said no. You love hanging up the phone. You usually hang up on everyone, maybe because you like pushing the red button. You were staying home from school today because they had a teacher’s in-service and were closed.
I called Nanna at around 12:30pm. I thought that you might be taking your nap but called anyway just to check on you. You were laying on Nanna’s chest, you didn’t look too well. Nanna said that you had been pulling at your ear all morning so she set up a doctor’s appointment for you that afternoon. She said that you had been asking her to hold you all day. I told her to try and lay you down so that you could get some sleep because you looked really tired.
Nanna called me back about thirty minutes later because you had woken up after about twenty minutes, crying, and asking for me. I sang to you until you fell back to sleep. While you and I spoke, you kept crying on and off. Nanna texted me and said that you kept looking and asking for me. That made me cry, I didn’t want you to be sad. I thought that if I set up your schedule to keep you busy, that you would be ok.
When you went to the doctor they said that you had a double ear infection and that it was really bad. They called me in order to verify the medicine that you were allergic to. When Nanna got to the pharmacy she was informed that the prescribed medicine was in the same family as the one that you were allergic to. So, after three hours of trying to find the doctor on call, we were finally able to get a new prescription and get your medicine. It was a sad day for both of us. I was sad because you went a few days with an ear infection and no one noticed and also because I realized that it was possible that you missed me as much as I missed you. I want you to be safe and I don’t want you to be sad.
Uncle Vaughn said that you are always really happy in the morning and then you speak with me and your entire attitude changes. He said that you get really down and it takes a while for you to get happy again. Uncle Vaughn added that when you and I speak at nighttime the same thing doesn’t happen. At nighttime you are really happy to speak with me and then you just fall asleep. After that conversation, I made the decision that you and I wouldn’t speak in the morning. You would have access to all of the videos that I made you, but I don’t want to ruin your day just as it gets started. From now on, we will only video chat at nighttime. Uncle Vaughn also told me that while I sang to you, you let him pat your back while you laid in bed a couple of nights ago. Then he thought about it and said that he patted your back and you pushed his hands away, but then you allowed him to rub your back. I guess patting your back is only something that Mommy is allowed to do.
I figure that it’s time that I speak about what I’m going through without you. I feel as though a part of my heart is missing. I think about you almost all day and wonder how you’re feeling. Whenever I hear you cry for me it breaks my heart. I cry for you too, but I try not to do it while we are talking. I miss your little hands around my neck and the way that sometimes you would pat me on my back as you hugged me. I miss holding your hand as you fell asleep. I miss you laying on my chest as I sang to you at the end of the day. I miss just being near you. I’m not sure if you comprehend the amount of time that has passed or if you are actually looking for me and want me home. I hope that you don’t and that you aren’t. I hope that it just feels like it was yesterday when I left. If you feel the way that I do, without understanding, you may think that I abandoned you. You might think that you did something wrong. I wish that I could explain so that you could understand, but I don’t think that you’re old enough yet.
When I called you this evening, I read you some of the books that I bought. I showed you the pictures and asked you to point certain things out. You enjoyed it. Even though you weren’t feeling well you participated. I love you so much and all I want is what’s best for you. The problem is, in this situation, I’m not really sure what’s best.
Heartbroken and Torn,
Mommy