Prior to being mobilized by the reserves, the Navy tries to give you at least six months notice. I’m glad that they do, because I needed every day of those six months to prepare. I needed to make sure that I had a person to take care of my daughter, move her to a new state, make sure that she was comfortable with her new caregiver, find her a new pediatrician, find a daycare, and mentally prepare myself to leave her. This post is just about finding a caregiver and helping your child adjust to that person.
Every single parent is required to have a family care plan in order to remain in the military. This plan breaks down what will happen with your child in the event that you are deployed. My plan was that my daughter would go live with my cousin in Pennsylvania. Sounds simple enough, but when the day actually comes, you never know if that family member will actually take your child into their home. Lucky for me, mine did.
Choosing the Right Person
I chose my cousin for many reasons. He works with children that have emotional problems, he has space at his home, doesn’t have any children of his own but knows how to care for them, and he loves kids. I’m sure at this point many of you are asking, “He?” Yes he. I watched him take care of children his entire life and I knew that HE was the best person for the job. One other huge positive was that he lives in close proximity to 14 additional family members, 8 of whom are children. This meant that my daughter would have playmates and babysitters. I always wanted her to have a close bond with her cousins like I did with mine, this was the opportunity to make it happen.
When choosing a person to care for your child, the most important factor is whether you trust that person. Do not let anyone guilt you into leaving your child with someone that you don’t trust. Many people tried to do that to me, I politely declined. The second factor is determining whether the person has enough time to dedicate to your child. A young child that has only known mommy and doesn’t understand where you have gone will need a lot of attention while you are gone. If a person doesn’t have time or patience, they may not be the right choice.
Adjusting to a New Caregiver
My plan was to move into my cousin’s home a month prior to my deployment and gradually wean my daughter off of me and onto my cousin. The way that I saw that happening and the way my cousin saw it happening were two different plans, we went with his. Our first day living in his house, he wanted to have Ellie without me being there. I didn’t want to do that, but I put her down for her nap and then hid in the back room so that he would have her when she woke up.
She woke up and called for me. Instead of me coming into the room as I always had, my cousin entered. She began to cry and continued to call out for mommy. I began to cry. So there we were, two people crying for each other, just feet away, but it might as well have been a mile. I thought that she would stop crying after a little while, but she didn’t. She had never woken up to my cousin before nor had I ever left her without saying good bye. She knew that I was in the house. I suppose she believed that if she kept crying out for me that I would show up.
After about ten minutes I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want her to believe that all she would have to do was crying and I would show up. That would make it more difficult for her when I was actually gone. Instead, I called my cousin and asked him to do a video chat. Seeing me helped Ellie to calm down. I told her that I would be back tomorrow and that she was going to play with Uncle Vaughn until then. She whimpered a bit when I told her that and cried again once I hung up. I had to get out of the house because I couldn’t take hearing her cry, so I left out of the back door.
The plan was for my cousin to have Ellie on Sunday’s, Monday’s and Wednesday’s. On those days he would have her throughout the day and night. The weekdays coincided with the days that she attended daycare. As the weeks passed, he would have her for more days of the week and I would be with her for less. My mom would babysit on the days that Ellie didn’t go to daycare.
The plan of her gradually spending less time with me never happened. I would soon be away from her every day for over a year, I decided to spend as much time with her as I could without making it too difficult on her.
In the beginning, when she was with me she would always ask me, “Where’s Uncle Vaughn?” When I pointed him out or when he came close to her, she would run to me and hold on tight. I believe she associated him with me being gone. We worked on spending time with her together during meals, while she played, during our nighttime routine, or even just while doing chores around the house. I remember one day we made a game of matching his socks as we folded laundry on his bed.
It took three full weeks, but by the fourth week, Ellie was comfortable playing with Vaughn. She went to my him without crying, she played with him, and she didn’t mind going to him while I was around. She still cried some nights when he went to her in the middle of the night, but not for long. I used to pat her back for a while in order to help her fall asleep, she refused to allow him to do the same. For a while, there were still some things that she only felt comfortable letting me do, but he eventually grew on her.
Power of Attorney
Before leaving, make sure that you create a power of attorney specific to the care of your child. If you are leaving because the military is shipping you off, the JAG can take care of your power of attorney. If you are leaving for some other reason, make sure you have the documents properly certified if you fill them out on your own. This document will allow the temporary caregiver to take your child to the doctor or emergency room, sign them up for school, really, anything that you specify. A big thing for me was that I was never able to fly with my daughter without showing her birth certificate. I made sure that the power of attorney specified that my cousin could fly with Ellie.
Some people decide to grant full custody to the caretaker. I did not decide to do that. I have heard many horror stories from parents who decided to turn over custody. Because it is not required, I didn’t do it.
