As a parent of a young toddler, your child is 100% dependent upon you for survival. Your attentiveness and involvement as a parent, literally maps out your child’s success in life. Yes, they can tell you that they are hungry, but absent snacks stored on a low shelf, your child is dependent upon you to eat. They can say that they are thirsty, but absent drinks sitting in an open space and already opened, they need you to provide it for them. Overall, you are their end-all be-all. This is true even if your presence is at times supplemented by a babysitter, a daycare, a Nanny, an au pair, or whatever your childcare cup of tea is because these people are the choice that you made for your child. Your daily or regular physical presence re-enforces your position as the parent and others, at the very least, acknowledge that fact either verbally or in their actions. So what happens when you lack a physical presence?
In the typical American society, this forcing out of parenthood typically happens after divorces or separations. While the courts usually rule that parents are to co-operatively make decisions regarding their children, the custodial parent typically ends up making most of the day-to-day decisions on their own. The problem is, the day-to-day decisions have a huge affect on a child life, especially a young child, because day-to-day activities make up a child’s routine and strongly influence their lifelong habits. Things like bedtime, bedtime routines, meal times, nap times, consistent potty training, play time, amount of screen time, and food selection may seem mundane, but they have a huge impact.
Co-parenting is not easy. It involves compromise on the parts of both responsible parties. While you may not think that the other party is compromising, you never really know what they are holding back, so try not to be too harsh. However, every decision needs to be made with the best interest of the child in mind. If as a parent, you believe that your child’s best interest isn’t being served, sometimes you have to draw that line in the sand.
Being deployed and away from my child for what has now been ten months, but will ultimately be fourteen months, has been extremely challenging to say the least. It’s not only difficult because of the physical separation from my child, but also because I have been placed into a co-parenting role with multiple caregivers and it often feel that I have been forced out of parenthood.
I am called controlling if I ask if my daughter has been fed (because past experiences have taught me that I need to ask). I am criticized for saying that she can’t be fed pasta EVERY day of the week. I am resented for asking that my two year old not be sat in front of the tv for hours on a daily basis. I am asking for too much if I request that my daughter be taken to the doctor before you go to the store when she has a fever in the 100’s.
You know what, maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe I am expecting others to care for my child as though she were their own. Maybe many adults are oblivious to the importance of these factors in a child’s life. Or maybe, they just don’t care. Whatever, the reason, there is no valid excuse for forcing a good parent out of parenthood.
I was recently told, “Ellie is not dead, so I must be doing something right.” NO. Just no. An absence of death is not the appropriate measure of success. If death is listed on the ruler that you are using to measure your suitability, you are using the wrong measuring tool. That you have children that survived infancy, childhood, and even made it to adulthood does not mean that you are a good or even respectable parent. It could simply mean that your children developed amazing survival skills. No one enjoys being micro-managed, I get it, but when you are ignoring a small child’s basic needs, maybe it’s time to look into the mirror and do some serious self-evaluation.
I am a parent. I am a loving parent. I am a loving, caring parent who wants what is best for my child. No one will love my child the way that I will love her. No one will likely live up to the expectations of care that I have for my child. But as a loving and caring parent, I must at least make the requests to attempt to get her that care.
As the recipient of such a request, please understand that you will never understand the anxiety, pain, and anguish associated with not being able to protect the one person in the world that most needs you. So, whether a parent is absent due to divorce, separation, deployment, work, etc., they are still a parent. If you behave as though this is a game, the only loser will be the child. Maturity and understanding are necessary for all adult parties involved and without these two things, everyone loses.
