Chapter II
When It Rains
Marsha
Of all the dirt bag men that I let into my life who would’ve thought that the one who’d get the closest to taking my life would’ve been my own son. That thought alone brought more pain to my already aching body. The pain didn’t only generate from the wound in my abdomen, I ached deep inside, it was a pain that no one else could understand. Whether it was the pain in my stomach, the pain in my body, or the pain of my little boy leaving, the medication that the doctors prescribed for me made it go away. It took away all of my regrets and all of my sorrow and I had plenty of both. My mind always drifted to my second biggest regret when I thought about the accident, the twins.
Nevaeh was two years old when Max got out of jail on parole and I got pregnant again. I seriously considered an abortion. After all, I could barely take care of the child that I already had and there was no way that I could support another baby on the tips that I was making at Sipps. Plus, Max was going to be home and God knows he wouldn’t be able to get a job with his record. That meant another stomach was going to have to be fed off of my already stretched pay. I was able to pick up more hours with Max home up until my eighth month. We found out along the way that I was having twins, perfect. I thought I was going to be struggling with two babies just to find out that I was now going to have three, not including the big ass waste of space that had gotten out of jail.
Whenever these thoughts penetrated my mind I just pulled out my happy pills. How I loved the feeling that that they brought to me. To be free of the weights that I had carried for so long, it was indescribable. No one could understand, no one.
Nevaeh
It had been a month since the incident. None of us had seen Junior since that day at the hospital. He had to have thought that he killed her. To be living with that for this long must be tearing him apart. But there’s nothing that I can do to help. He left us, all of us. Without a word, he just walked out of the door. How could he have so little regard for the pain that his disappearance would have on us. He must have known that our love wouldn’t just be gone from him.
I don’t want this thing that is growing inside of me. I wish that it would just die. I’m no murderer, I can’t do it myself, but if there is a God, he would make this go away. The seed of that monster planted within me is a constant reminder of those dark nights. The nights that mom had a real reason for not being here to protect me. Was there ever a real reason not be there for your child? A good reason? What will I do when it’s my turn to make a choice?
I’m showing now, not that anyone has noticed. Even if she saw my stomach I don’t think that Sasha would understand, but mom, ever since we’ve gotten home she hasn’t been the same. Her eyes seem to be eternally glazed over. Occasionally I’ll look at her and see a glimpse of recognition. Most of the time though, it seems that she doesn’t even notice me in the room. She just sits and stares into nothingness for hours. Our interaction with her is not that much different from when she was always at work, but this is worse. At least when she’s at work I know that she isn’t here for me because she’s trying to help us get by. Now it just seems to be all for nothing.
Junior
I tried to sleep but my stomach growled so loudly that it woke me up. Four weeks had passed and no one had come looking for me. I was an orphan now, no one looked for missing orphans. Even worse, I was a murderer, only police looked for them. Not here, not on these streets. On these streets everyone held their tongue when the cops came around. The kids pretended that it was because it wasn’t cool to snitch, but I knew the truth. The truth was that if you talked to cops, you’d probably never talk to anyone again cause you’d be next. That wasn’t the case with me though. I knew Nevaeh wouldn’t turn me into the cops, so I knew no one would be looking for me. Besides, no one looked for orphans, not even sisters.
I attempted to ignore the hunger and convince my body to go back to sleep as I played my mom’s favorite song in my head. I could almost hear her voice. “Skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really, do come true.”
Sasha
I heard Nevaeh and mom screaming in the hallway. It hadn’t been like this since that night. No one screamed anymore, no one talked anymore. It was mainly just all of us gliding around in a daze, not even noticing each other. I noticed them, they didn’t seem to see me. Sure Nevaeh made me food and made sure that I got to school every day, but it was like a broken record. It was the same every day. The same greeting in the morning, the emotionless hug that she gave me as she left for school, it was like I didn’t exist anymore. I wonder what would happen if she woke up one morning and I wasn’t here. The fact that Junior had left us didn’t seem to effect anyone but me. I don’t even think mom noticed.
The screaming got louder, it sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. I felt that familiar wet warmth in my bed as I pushed harder on my ears. I couldn’t handle this alone, I needed Junior.