Dear Ellie,
Yesterday, I hurriedly pushed my suitcases towards the door as your Nanna piled them into the car. You were sleeping in and I wanted to get my bags in the car before you woke up so that I could spend my last fifteen minutes in the house with you, undistracted. You woke up and I could hear your little voice from downstairs call out, “Mommy,” like you always did when you first awoke. I peeked my head around your bedroom door and a big smile took over your face. I gave you a big hug and a kiss knowing that this was the last morning that we’d follow our routine for over a year.
I was given a lot of advice about how to help you get through this deployment without me. Some people said that you are so young that I could make it as if it never happened. Others said that you are so young that you would forget it once I returned home. The reality is, no one really knows what children so young remember or how it affects them as they get older. So I’ve decided that I’m going to help you to remember, but I want you to remember it the way that it really happened and I’ll help you do that with these letters. I’m going to try and write you every day so that when you grow up, you’ll know how much I love you and that I thought about you every second that I was gone.
Today Uncle Vaughn called me as you two went through your bedtime routine. I sang you “You’ll Be in My Heart” as I do every night and it broke my heart that I wasn’t holding you in my arms. Tears rolled down my face as I sang “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing.” Almost as if you could see my tears in the dark, you softly said, “Mommy, hands.” You always said that when you laid in your bed and wanted me to hold your hand instead of going out of the room. You whimpered slightly when I said that I couldn’t hold your hand.
I love you and I’ll come back to you as soon as I can. 399 days to go.
Love You With All My Heart,
Mommy